Proverbs 4:13 reads, “Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them, for they are the key to life.” This scripture reminds me that there is great purpose in God’s word – whether we understand it or not.
At a young age, I was informed that God designed sex for marriage. For a long time, I found delight in waiting for my husband, and I did not consider pre-marital sex in any of my relationships. But once I started entertaining the company of someone who did not respect me, I lost sight of my value, and it became more and more challenging to stand firm in my belief in celibacy.
During the end of my junior year of high school, I started spending time with a young man who I was fairly attracted to. I had just gotten out of a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and I was so excited to meet someone new, someone who could possibly help me move on from my ex.
The very first time this new guy and I spent time together, he made it known that he wanted to have sex with me. I hesitantly informed him that I wanted to wait until I was married, but he insisted that intercourse should be a way of expressing our “love” for each other. Despite gut feelings I had of knowing that the request weren’t going to end, I consistently welcomed his company anyway. I hated disappointing him, but I knew that I wanted to give myself to someone who genuinely loved and respected me. I should have been the one who genuinely loved and respected myself.
He entered a relationship with another young woman and informed me that if we were to be together, then sex had to be involved in our relationship. I still did not allow it, and he eventually stopped speaking to me altogether. By then, I already allowed the pressure and curiosity to fester in my spirit. This was the moment that I started thinking of my ex-boyfriend (the person I dated before meeting the new guy.) Although I desperately wanted to discuss with my parents that I was considering sex, I was too afraid of what their reaction might have been. I didn’t think to turn to God, and it seemed as if no one around me discussed the importance and benefits of waiting until marriage. So, believing that I could handle the consequences of sex, I informed my ex-boyfriend that I was “ready.”
Prior to the moment him and I had sex for the first time, I had thoughts such as: “I’m pretty sure we’ll be married one day anyway, so we might as well do it now. I know that this goes against God’s word, but i’m pretty sure the punishment of my sin won’t be that bad.” Those lies continued to fill my mind, and I believed them.
After experiencing sex for the first time, I believed that the purpose of it was for fleshly satisfaction and nothing else. I recognized that there was a soul tie when our encounters happened simply because the opportunity was open. What used to feel like pleasure turned into disgust I felt toward my body.
My ex and I spent some months apart without much communication, and during that time, I began to journal and pray. As a result, my relationship with Christ strengthened.
Little did I know, God had a test waiting for me.
https://cierrajohnsonwrites.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/choosing-celibacy-again-part-2/
I know this is only a snapshot of your journal but it is so powerful and authentic. I believe that often times as women we forget that we must respect and love ourselves before anyone, whether it be a man or a friend, respects and loves us. We often find value in ourselves through what other people say or think about us which can be so damaging. With that being said I just want to say that I am so proud of the woman you are becoming, you have the most beautiful spirit and an attitude of gratitude. I have seen such growth in you in this past year as you strengthen your relationship with Him. I love you with my whole heart and I am fully committed and excited to see where He takes you and how He uses you to encourage others.
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Omg, I can relate soooooo much. Thank YOU… God bless you
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