Choosing Celibacy… Again (Part 1)

Proverbs 4:13 reads, “Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them, for they are the key to life.”  This scripture reminds me that there is great purpose in God’s word – whether we understand it or not.

At a young age, I was informed that God designed sex for marriage.  For a long time, I found delight in waiting for my husband, and I did not consider pre-marital sex in any of my relationships.  But once I started entertaining the company of someone who did not respect me, I lost sight of my value, and it became more and more challenging to stand firm in my belief in celibacy.

During the end of my junior year of high school, I started spending time with a young man who I was fairly attracted to.  I had just gotten out of a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and I was so excited to meet someone new, someone who could possibly help me move on from my ex.

The very first time this new guy and I spent time together, he made it known that he wanted to have sex with me.  I hesitantly informed him that I wanted to wait until I was married, but he insisted that intercourse should be a way of expressing our “love” for each other.  Despite gut feelings I had of knowing that the request weren’t going to end, I consistently welcomed his company anyway.  I hated disappointing him, but I knew that I wanted to give myself to someone who genuinely loved and respected me.  I should have been the one who genuinely loved and respected myself.

He entered a relationship with another young woman and informed me that if we were to be together, then sex had to be involved in our relationship.  I still did not allow it, and he eventually stopped speaking to me altogether.  By then, I already allowed the pressure and curiosity to fester in my spirit.  This was the moment that I started thinking of my ex-boyfriend (the person I dated before meeting the new guy.)  Although I desperately wanted to discuss with my parents that I was considering sex, I was too afraid of what their reaction might have been.  I didn’t think to turn to God, and it seemed as if no one around me discussed the importance and benefits of waiting until marriage.  So, believing that I could handle the consequences of sex, I informed my ex-boyfriend that I was “ready.”

Prior to the moment him and I had sex for the first time, I had thoughts such as: “I’m pretty sure we’ll be married one day anyway, so we might as well do it now.  I know that this goes against God’s word, but i’m pretty sure the punishment of my sin won’t be that bad.”  Those lies continued to fill my mind, and I believed them.

After experiencing sex for the first time, I believed that the purpose of it was for fleshly satisfaction and nothing else.  I recognized that there was a soul tie when our encounters happened simply because the opportunity was open.  What used to feel like pleasure turned into disgust I felt toward my body.

My ex and I spent some months apart without much communication, and during that time, I began to journal and pray.  As a result, my relationship with Christ strengthened.

Little did I know, God had a test waiting for me.

https://cierrajohnsonwrites.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/choosing-celibacy-again-part-2/